Wealth Whispers |

Wealth Whispers: Using Coaching to Identify and Leverage the Hidden Money Scripts of the Overspender and the Oversaver

Throughout my own real estate sales career and my current professional coaching career, I’ve noted a recurring theme around sales professionals, their compensation, and their money management habits.

American culture is particularly obsessed with money and the symbolism of what it could represent to the outer world. We love money and what it conveys (real or aspired): shiny examples of houses, fancy cars, designer clothing, and lavish vacations are enticing images of external wealth and fortune. Unfortunately, many of these outward displays of wealth are not actually indicative of one’s financial stability or success.

In turn, American work culture is centralized around the “hustle”: the love of the grind, the abhorrence of rest, the glorification of workaholic status, and the glitzy reaping of the hard-earned rewards. Generally speaking, American workers are savvy at generating income, but at the expense of overall well-being. American workers earn money well, yet don’t place an emphasis on keeping and growing their earnings.

Real estate sales compensation is typically 100% commission-based. When a sales professional is charged with generating 100% of his/her business to create income, the volume-based sales life cycle becomes a race to “chase and convince”¹ as many people as possible to purchase. Therefore, the “feast or famine” cycle of pay is quite common in the real estate industry and directly impacts the money management mindsets of real estate sales professionals.¹

Client Profiles: The Overspend and the Oversaver

Interestingly, this life cycle also contributes directly to the creation of two distinct and extreme client profiles, both of whom I have coached in my own career:

• The Overspender
• The Oversaver

For the overspender, this “feast or famine” life cycle, combined with the prevalent American culture of instant gratification, can cause a disturbing trend of money mismanagement, overleveraging of resources, and rapid accumulation of debt.

Variations of the overspender client profile can include the notorious cliched mentality of “keeping up with the Joneses” (spending beyond one’s means in order to effectively compete with peers).

For the over saver, the “feast or famine” life cycle can create overwhelming feelings of anxiety and pressure to save or manage financial resources excessively—to the point where a client may be so future-focused that he/she cannot be present in a meaningful way.

Another variation of the “oversaver” client profile is a professional who has come into financial resources he/she has never had before. This client can feel a number of conflicting emotions: a sense of imposter syndrome (that he/she is “not worthy” of the financial gains earned or received), shame of being associated with the means in which the money was earned or received, or guilt that one’s peers/family/social circle may not also have access to similar resources. In Uneasy Street: The Anxieties of Affluence, author Rachel Sherman introduces the concepts of wealthy individuals and families harboring guilt, shame, and resentment of their healthy financial statuses. Dubbed “conflicted consumption”², we hear stories of wealthy individuals rationalizing, normalizing, and generally downplaying their lifestyles in an attempt to affiliate with the middle class.

While distinct differences are obvious between the two client profiles, an underlying commonality is clear: both client profiles seek validation, security, approval, and a sense of knowing they have made the “right” choice. How each defines a “right choice” differs, but the drive to ultimately be seen and validated as an autonomous human making a choice is present with both.

Why Tips/Tricks/Nuggets” Don’t Work in the Long Haul

Popular media showcases how Americans view money management as both an afterthought and superficial. It’s not uncommon to see articles with titles, “hacks” or tips such as, “10 ways to save money in 2024”, “How to cut back on your Starbucks habit” or “Turn down your AC one degree to save $1.57 a year”. Articles focusing on “quick fix” advice do not treat the underlying root causes of why Americans are prone to high debt/low savings at a fundamental level.

We don’t go deeper into understanding the psychology behind mundane money decisions. Until a client is willing to explore beyond quick fixes and understand the underlying habit loops driving their core behaviors, the money mismanagement will not change. Furthermore, enacting thoughtful and strategic action plans that account for individual idiosyncrasies and allow clients to essentially “override” these limiting beliefs with discipline and resolution will solidify the achievement of the wealth goals over time. In The Next Millionaire Next Door, authors Dr. Thomas Stanley and Dr. Sarah Stanley Fallaw highlight the critical need for discipline as “the #1 cited success factor of importance by millionaires in explaining their socioeconomic success”.³  

Coaching a Money Mindset: The Power of Invisible Scripts

Historical spending and investing data overwhelmingly show that obtaining money is typically not the primary driving issue of money mismanagement. While obtaining money is a contributing factor, money mismanagement is more often attributed to two other factors:

• Our subconscious philosophy of what money is and what it means to us. In his New York Times bestselling book and blog, I Will Teach You to Be Rich, author Ramit Sethi dubbed these “invisible scripts”: “truths so ubiquitous and deeply embedded in society that we don’t even realize they’re guiding our attitudes and behavior. Like water to a fish, they surround us even if we don’t know it.”⁴ These are the phrases, cliches, and beliefs that were taught to us, consciously or subconsciously, about how to handle our relationship with money. For most people, the first money memories come from their families, and their early relationship with money was influenced primarily by childhood.
• A lack of approachable financial education solutions available to all. As a country, Americans don’t prioritize financial education enough, and we don’t talk about how money really works. The amazing benefits of harnessing time and compounding interest for wealth building are not concepts readily taught in public education. Furthermore, the underlying concepts of understanding why and how money works are not encouraged topics of discussion. We certainly don’t go deep and talk about why we need to harness money and how it will help us reach our goals. While the rise of the internet, social media, and online influencers can help bridge the education gap for some, the validity and consistency of reliable financial information are not stable.

Invisible Scripts: What They Mean & Why They Matter

Every person has preconceived notions of what money is, how it works, who gets it, who builds it, and who spends it. We all have subconscious ideas of the role that money plays in our lives.

A strong money mindset encompasses discipline, the ability to focus on long-term goals, practicing delayed gratification, and maintaining a sense of gratitude for the present. Building this strong money mindset requires an individual to have self-awareness and a willingness to explore their own upbringing, money stories, and relationships with money. It also requires the individual to explore uncomfortable concepts and consider conscious behavioral changes to “rewrite” their money scripts and beliefs.

The underlying driving problem isn’t just the awareness or knowledge of the action. Rather, it’s the unconscious mindset that influences the behavior. Once a client understands their behavior patterns and why they have always done things the way they have, then the breakthrough of awareness and new action can begin. As a client begins to more readily understand his/herself while exploring their relationship with money, they can then set up strategic habits and systems to leverage their strengths and fortify their perceived weaknesses.

The Habit Loop Related to How We Spend

In his book, “The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg introduces the concept of the habit loop. This three-step loop outlines the basic pattern individuals unconsciously perform as they approach life:

Cue → Routine [Craving] → Response → Reward

Environmental and situational cues trigger a “craving”, or an emotional need (response) to satisfy the urge. This leads to the response with an action meant to curb the craving [reward].

The book continues to offer a myriad of methods for interrupting the habit loops that are sabotaging the goals we set out to achieve. In particular, I will highlight the strategy that keeps a habit loop intact with a focus on altering the routine phase. Altering the routine itself can lead to drastically different results.

Recognizing the Habit Loop related to Money

The #1 goal my money mindset coaching clients come to me for is to have a better understanding of their relationship with money in order to grow wealth. More specifically, my commissioned sales professionals often raise their positive or negative relationship with money early in our conversations as a by-product of their sales goals. Winning sales is not enough; the yearning to understand the management of their income in order to create long-lasting wealth underpins the coaching sessions. 

With regards to coaching clients successfully around their relationship with money, understanding the psychological reasons for a cue can ultimately influence the client to change the routine.

• Cue (Social/Environmental/Psychological – Money memory activated) →
• Craving (emotional connection – Psychological need uncovered) →
• Response (Spend/Save/Invest – Craving/urge satisfied) →
• Reward (Achieve the Desired End Goal – Positive or negative)

Without a strong money mindset, both client profiles (the overspend and the over-saver) will be emotionally hijacked during the [cue/craving→response] phases. The response to the unhealthy craving (to overspend or oversave) will result in emotional panic and subsequently subpar financial management behavior.

Through my money mindset coaching practice, I support the client in identifying the underlying reasons why a cue exists by primarily understanding their relationship with money (and associated money memories). Once this awareness is uncovered, the client can work to alter the routine of the response in a more favorable way to achieve a better outcome.

• Cue (Social/Environmental/Psychological – Money memory activated) →
• Craving (emotional connection – Psychological need uncovered) → AWARENESS ACHIEVED: “This cue ____ resulted in this craving ____. I wonder why?”
• Adjusted Response (Spend/Save/Invest – Craving/urge satisfied) →
• Reward (Achieve the Desired End Goal – Positive only!)

The BLUF Coaching Model

Once a client is dialed into the awareness of the [cue/craving→response] invisible money scripts at play, I introduce the BLUF Coaching Model: Bottom Line Up Front.

The acronym BLUF originated in the military; its purpose is to provide a quick, top-line summary of a lengthy issue. The top-line issue is often presented first so decision-makers can quickly wrap their heads around the key takeaway challenge which must be addressed first. The subsequent details and logistics are presented only after the overarching BLUF is made clear.

This acronym helps the client identify the #1 pressing challenge in their financial lives first: the challenge that, once solved, will have a positive ripple effect on the rest of their related issues.

Bottom Line Up Front → Build Legacy & Undeniable Freedom

Coaching Questions to Support Client Growth in Money

To coach effectively for each money mindset client, I ask these general questions which I tailor accordingly based on the individual client and oversaver/overspender profile. It is important to highlight that these questions can be impactfully asked and applied to all money mindset clients, regardless of whether the client is an over saver or overspender (or somewhere in between):

• What is your earliest money memory? How do you feel about sharing this memory?
• What does this money memory mean to you?
  • As the client describes the answer: How are you feeling as you describe this?/What feelings are you noticing as you describe this?
• What are you learning about yourself as you share this money memory?
• How has your current view of money served you?
• How would you like to view money differently?
• What problem are you trying to solve?
• What is one thing you could try today to move this vision forward?
• What are you most concerned about with your money?
• Why is _____ important to you?
• Tell me what you are uncertain about.
• Why is it important to talk about this today?
• Why is it important to talk about this at this point in your life?
• What would be different if your relationship with money changed?
• What would you like to walk out of today’s session with?

These questions, combined with the BLUF coaching model, create a pathway of profound reflection and action for the money mindset client.

Conclusion

While each money mindset client presents differently and with a unique background, the primary two profiles, the oversaver and overspender, operate as two extremes on a spectrum. It is worth repeating: while differences exist, the underlying challenge for all clients on the spectrum is a desire to seek validation in their money management choices and to better understand what drives their money management decisions.

It is also worth noting that the goal of coaching my money mindset clients is to create not only a powerful plan for future wealth building but to build a plan they are proud of and can sustain. In his book, The Psychology of Money, author Morgan Housel discusses the need to aim for “reasonable over rational” as the hallmark theme for managing money and our emotions around it. He states boldly, “You’re not a spreadsheet. You’re a person. A screwed-up, emotional person does not aim to be coldly rational when making financial decisions. Aim to just be pretty reasonable. Reasonable is more realistic and you have a better chance of sticking with it for the long run, which is what matters most when managing money”.⁸ The goal of coaching is a plan, yes—-and perhaps most importantly, it is supporting clients on their journeys of understanding themselves, accepting themselves graciously, and crafting bold plans to move them forward proudly.

By examining underlying “invisible scripts”, understanding the psychology behind the habit loop, and gaining awareness of the cues that activate these loops, money mindset clients can gain an immeasurable appreciation for their money relationship and craft a formidable and lasting wealth-building legacy.  

Reference

Voss, C., & Shull, S. (2023). The Full Fee Agent. HarperCollins Leadership.
Sherman, R. (2017). Uneasy Street: The Anxieties of Affluence. Princeton University Press.
Stanley, T. J., & Stanley Fallaw, S. (2018). The Next Millionaire Next Door. Lyons Press.
Sethi, R. (2009). I Will Teach You to Be Rich. Workman Publishing. Book + Blog.
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits. Avery.
Duhigg, C. (2012). The Power of Habit. Random House.
Eyal, N. (2014). Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products. Portfolio.
Housel, M. (2020). The Psychology of Money. Harriman House.